Best of Our Blogs: June 14, 2013 by Brandi-Ann Uyemura, M.A.
I don’t know what you’re going through now. Maybe you’re disheartened from work, a new diagnosis, or a challenge in your relationship. We all encounter problems every once in awhile. Although we may try to hide behind it, life inevitably sends us tumultuous waves to throw us off-balance. From afar, they may appear to be dangerous, overwhelming and intimidating. But up close, they may be consistent, yet manageable. The key is to learn to ride them with as much flexibility and openness as possible.
When difficulty hits, we automatically tense up. Fearing rejection, disappointment and pain, we resist what is to protect ourselves. However, fear and panic causes more suffering than whatever it is we’re going through. In almost any situation, letting go and being vulnerable can actually ease us into life and make what seems intolerable, tolerable.
Recently, someone told me a story of how she encountered a huge wave in the ocean. She could tell it was going to be a big one that could potentially throw her into the reef. Instead of tensing up in anticipation of the crash, she went with it and laughed the whole way. She said she survived the episode unscathed because her body was flexible and open, not rigid and tense. Hope our top posts this week will help you develop your own sense of openness to meet any challenge you’re currently facing.
{Flickr photo by Scott Robinson}
Depressed? Don’t Just Go for the Pills
(Parenting Tips) – These days doctors are more likely to prescribe medication than psychotherapy. But what’s best for you? Here is a critical look at different treatment options for those suffering from depression.
(Parenting Tips) – These days doctors are more likely to prescribe medication than psychotherapy. But what’s best for you? Here is a critical look at different treatment options for those suffering from depression.
Confidence is an Important Determinant of Success: How to Boost Yours
(The Psychology of Success in Business) – Your confidence can be more of an indicator of success than talent. Learn how to boost yours here.
(The Psychology of Success in Business) – Your confidence can be more of an indicator of success than talent. Learn how to boost yours here.
Common Courtesy: 7 Things You Do That Might Irritate People
(Tales of Manic Depression) – We’re all too focused on what other people do that annoy us. But could we be also to blame? Read what things you may be doing to irritate others.
(Tales of Manic Depression) – We’re all too focused on what other people do that annoy us. But could we be also to blame? Read what things you may be doing to irritate others.
Study: Women Experience and Express More Anger in Relationships Than Men
(Inside Out) – Men might seem more hot-headed than women. But when it comes to relationships, it’s women who don’t hold back their anger. An interesting study delves into differences between men and women in relationships.
(Inside Out) – Men might seem more hot-headed than women. But when it comes to relationships, it’s women who don’t hold back their anger. An interesting study delves into differences between men and women in relationships.
Feel S.A.F.E Again – The Power of Vulnerability
(Mindfulness & Psychotherapy) – When we feel safe, life opens up. But traumatic experiences can block us from this freedom. Go here to learn how you can heal insecurity and begin to feel safe again.
(Mindfulness & Psychotherapy) – When we feel safe, life opens up. But traumatic experiences can block us from this freedom. Go here to learn how you can heal insecurity and begin to feel safe again.
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Relationships: Breaking Up Without the Painby Donna M. White, LPCI, CACP
“Breaking up is hard to do.”~ Neil Sedaka
Every now and then we may find ourselves in a relationship that has just run its course.
Whether it’s a result of a relationship that never should have been or two people growing apart, ending a relationship often can be hard. Before making the leap to the “big breakup,” there are a few things to consider.
It is important to know why you are making the decision that you are making. It is also important to know that you are comfortable with the decision you are making.
In order to do this, you may need to separate yourself from the situation. Ask your partner for some alone time in order to reflect and really think about how you feel.
In order to make a clear decision, you may want to list the pros and cons of staying in the relationship as well as the pros and cons of leaving it. While you may wish to confide in friends or family, this is not always wise. Generally you have your friends and who do not wish to see your relationship end and those who cannot wait. Both parties may be able to provide feedback and logical reasons for both of their cases. However, this often can become more confusing. Remember, a relationship is about the two people involved, not everyone else. At the end of it all you have to live with your decision, so make sure it is your decision.
It is also important to be honest with yourself. Only you know what you are looking for or what you desire in your partner. Take some time to ask yourself if your expectations for your relationship are realistic. Evaluate if you are giving everything you are asking for in return. Ask yourself what you really want and what will really make you happy. Examine if you are actually in love with your partner or if you are in love with the idea of being in love. It is easy to mistake love for other emotions. Only you can give yourself honest answers.
After evaluating your feelings, if you make the decision to end the relationship, it doesn’t have to be that difficult. Here are some tips for making the breaking a little less aching.
If you are concerned about the feelings of your partner, go into your conversation with compassion.Breakups do not have to be nasty. We set the tone and determine how the conversation goes. It doesn’t have to be a bashing session of what the other person did wrong or what went wrong in the relationship. Simply state your case for why the relationship is no longer working for you.
Do not engage in blaming your partner. Blaming usually leads to defensiveness and defensiveness leads to arguments. You may want to end the conversation on a positive note by expressing gratitude for all the positive things that took place in your relationship.
Don’t be afraid fully to express your emotions. Expressing your emotions leaves you free from emotional baggage and mess. Most important, make sure your emotions are being expressed in a rational and safe manner. It may be appropriate to cry or to become frustrated, but it is never okay to become aggressive or violent. If you do not feel you can meet with your partner and express your emotions in an appropriate way, it may be appropriate to meet with a counselor to prepare for and aid in this process.
Last, but not least, do not allow guilt to consume you. If you have fully evaluated the decision you’ve made, made it on your own, and for the right reasons, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Feel good about your decision, knowing it was for the best and that you will lead a healthier and happier life as a result – leaving yourself open to new possibilities and new relationships.
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The Daily Rituals of Creative Mindsby Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.
I love learning about the creative processes and daily habits of people who’ve given us great gifts, everything from powerful writing to awe-inspiring art to beautiful symphonies.
So I was excited to pick up a copy of Mason Currey’s book Daily Rituals: How Artists Work. In it, Currey shares the everyday routines of writers, composers, painters, playwrights, poets, philosophers, filmmakers, scientists and other artists — 161 in total.
In his introduction, he notes that Daily Rituals is “about the circumstances of creative activity, not the product; it deals with manufacturing rather than meaning.” His goal, he says, is “…to show how grand creative visions translate to small daily increments; how one’s working habits influence the work itself, and vice versa.”
Daily Rituals is a fascinating glimpse into some of the greatest minds, and the habits and practices that are integral to their creative process.
For instance, take exercise. For many of the individuals, it was (and is) indispensable. Spanish artist Joan Miró exercised vigorously. (He worried about suffering another severe depression, which he did as a young man.)
According to Currey, his routine included: “boxing in Paris; jumping rope and Swedish gymnastics at a Barcelona gym; and running on the beach and swimming at Mont-roig, a seaside village where his family owned a farmhouse, to which Miró returned nearly every summer to escape city life and recharge his creative energies.”
Novelist and writer Haruki Murakami has said that “physical strength is as necessary as artistic sensitivity.” In 1981, when he had just started working as a professional writer, Murakami led a sedentary life and smoked as many as 60 cigarettes a day. But he revised his unhealthy lifestyle. Currey writes:
He soon resolved to change his habits completely, moving with his wife to a rural area, quitting smoking, drinking less, and eating a diet of mostly vegetables and fish. He also started running daily, a habit he has kept up for more than a quarter century.
Oliver Sacks, a physician, professor and author of several bestselling books, including The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, prefers swimming, after he meets with his analyst at 6 a.m. “Swimming gets me going as nothing else can, and I need to do it at the start of the day, otherwise I will be deflected by busyness or laziness.”
For Tchaikovsky, long daily walks were essential to his creative process. The weather conditions didn’t matter. According to Tchaikovsky’s brother:
Somewhere at sometime he had discovered that a man needs a two-hour walk for his health, and his observance of this rule was pedantic and superstitious, as though if he returned five minutes early he would fall ill, and unbelievable misfortunes of some sort would ensue.
Others also followed superstitions. Truman Capote had to write in bed. In 1957 he told The Paris Review: “I am a completely horizontal author.” He’d write longhand using a pencil and then type up the final copy, balancing the typewriter on his knees. He had other superstitions.
He couldn’t allow three cigarette butts in the same ashtray at once, and if he was a guest at someone’s house, he would stuff the butts in his pocket rather than overfill the tray. He couldn’t begin or end anything on Friday. And he compulsively added numbers in his head, refusing to dial a telephone number or accept a hotel room if the digits made a sum he considered unlucky. “It’s endless, the things I can’t and won’t,” he said. “But I derive some curious comfort from obeying these primitive concepts.”
Ernest Hemingway had certain interesting idiosyncrasies, as well. Despite popular belief, he didn’t start his work by sharpening 22 number-two pencils. But he did write standing up, “facing a chest-high bookshelf with a typewriter on top, and on top of that a wooden reading board”; and “compose his first drafts “in pencil on onionskin typewriter paper laid slantwise across the board.”
When his work was progressing well, he’d move to the typewriter. When it wasn’t, he’d switch to answering letters.
Maya Angelou is particular about her work area. She’s said that she likes to keep her home pretty. “[A]nd I can’t work in a pretty surrounding. It throws me.” So she works in hotel or motel rooms. In a 1983 interview she shared her routine:
…I keep a hotel room in which I do my work – a tiny, mean room with just a bed, and sometimes, if I can find it, a face basin. I keep a dictionary, a Bible, a deck of cards and a bottle of sherry in the room. I try to get there around 7, and I work until 2 in the afternoon. If it’s going well, I’ll stay as long as it’s going well. It’s lonely, and it’s marvelous. I edit while I’m working. When I come home at 2, I read over what I’ve written that day, and then try to put it out of my mind. I shower, prepare dinner, so that when my husband comes home, I’m not totally absorbed in my work. We have a semblance of a normal life. We have a drink together and have dinner. Maybe after dinner I’ll read to him what I’ve written that day. He doesn’t comment. I don’t invite comments from anyone but my editor, but hearing it aloud is good. Sometimes I hear the dissonance; then I try to straighten it out in the morning.
B.F. Skinner, the founder of behavioral psychology, not surprisingly, treated his work as a lab experiment. (Would you expect anything less?) According to Currey, Skinner conditioned “himself to write every morning with a pair of self-reinforcing behaviors: he started and stopped by the buzz of a timer, and he carefully plotted the number of hours he wrote and the words he produced on a graph.”
So what’s the takeaway from these daily rituals?
They’re as varied and interesting as the great minds who followed them (and follow them today). And despite their great work, many still worried about their progress, struggled with creative blocks and experienced constant self-doubt (like William James and Franz Kafka).
So if you’re regularly second-guessing your work, take heart. You’re among an illustrious group. But I hope you don’t simmer in your self-doubt for too long. There’s work to be done.
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‘… But I Love Him!’ So What is Love? by Linda Sapadin, Ph.D
Immature love says, “I love you because I need you.”
Mature love says, “I need you because I love you.”
~ Erich Fromm
~ Erich Fromm
One of the best things about “being in love” is that you feel really good about yourself. It’s not only that you perceive the other person as terrific; it’s that you feel terrific about who you are and what you’re about. Yes, emotions are contagious. People catch them from others. So, when your love is acting lovingly toward you, it’s natural for you to feel joyous, confident, smart and secure.
Yet, as time passes, some “loving relationships” become anything but loving — indeed, some become downright abusive. How does something like that happen? How can “love” be experienced so differently by different people?
Listen to the complaints of one young woman:
“I was flattered when he wanted to be with me all the time. I felt so special when he told me he couldn’t live without me. Now, I see how possessive he is. He wants to be with me all the time, not because he loves me so much but because he wants to control me.”“When he called me many times a day, I felt like he was the most loving person, caring not only about me but also about who I was with and what I was doing. Now, I see how jealous he is. He didn’t trust me unless he knew where I was every moment of every day. It feels so yucky to me now.””He’d frequently give me advice about “life.” It could be politics, business, finances, how to talk with others, who to hang out with. It felt good to listen to him. He seemed so knowledgeable, so worldly. I liked that he was teaching me so much. Now, I see that he needs to give me “advice” about everything because he wants me to do things his way.”
So, now that she recognizes what his “loving” behavior was all about, does she break off the relationship? No way. Why? Because even though he becomes enraged when he doesn’t know where she is, sulky when she doesn’t listen to his “advice,” irked when she’s chatting with others on the phone, she still loves him.
Really? What kind of love is this where she is miserable most of the time – crying about how he treats her, afraid of being criticized for what she did (or didn’t do), worried about what mood he’ll be in when she next sees him. Does this sound like a loving relationship?
Love is a word that is bandied around a lot and has many different meanings. Here are three of them:
- Romantic love is marinated in fantasy. Excitement rules the day. You are walking on air. He can do no wrong. You are the luckiest woman on earth. Nothing will ever come between the two of you.But, alas, infatuation does not stand the test of time. As it wanes, either a couple breaks up (“that was a great love affair”) or it develops into seasoned love.
- Seasoned love is marinated in caring, respect, trust and empathy. Differences are respected. Conflicts are worked out. Individuality is respected. Love grows deeper. Love grows stronger.And then there is addictive love.
- Addictive love is marinated in desperation. You feel you cannot live without this person. You need him to feel complete. Though you no longer feel good about yourself like you did when you were “infatuated with him,” you, nevertheless, feel you can’t leave him.“But I love him” has become your mantra. Despite rarely enjoying being with him, you love him. Despite being constantly criticized, you love him. Despite crying about insults you’ve received, you love him. Despite being afraid of his anger, you love him.Clearly, addicted love does not listen to logic. It does not respect reason. It does not give credence to other people’s counsel. Despite your self-worth hitting a new low, you don’t leave the relationship. Just like a drug addict, you cannot give up your drug of choice.
So, what’s to be done if you are or know someone who is “addicted to love?” Take a first step by labeling it for what it is. It’s not love; it’s addiction. Admit the truth. You fear losing him. You fear being alone. You fear moving out of your comfort zone.
Once you summon up the courage to admit what your problem is, then seek out the services of a psychologist who can offer you support while providing you with the skills and strategies you’ll need to let go of your addiction. Then, one day, I have no doubt that you will be ready for a loving relationship that grows stronger and warmer as time goes on.
And, if you are wondering if this article could have been entitled …But I Love Her, the answer is absolutely yes.
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Love's Forgotten Secret by Stephen L. Salter, Psy.D.
In love relationships, the experience of vulnerability arrives as a remembering--a rediscovery of closeness and safety that had been forgotten and defended against. While often associated with weakness, vulnerability goes hand in hand with courage.
Freud on Madison Avenue by Lawrence R. Samuel, Ph.D.
In 1957, an intense, very real fear regarding a new form of advertising swept across the American landscape. It was called subliminal advertising- a major portion of a psychological phenomenon known as subliminal perception or “SP.”
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Psychology's Three Great Branches by Gregg Henriques
Psychology can usefully be divided up into three great branches and each branch can be associated with one of psychology's grand theorists.
What Can Darwin’s Great Theory Teach Us About Culture?by Liah Greenfeld, Ph.D.
It is Darwin’s theory of evolution which allows us to recognize culture as an autonomous empirical reality that can be scientifically studied.
PTSD Becomes (More) Complex in the DSM-5: Part IIby Julian Ford, Ph.D.
In the DSM-5 released in May, PTSD just got more complex. These changes reflect advances in science and clinical practice, which echo what trauma survivors have been saying for decades (if not centuries): PTSD is a radical shift from normal self-regulation to being trapped in a constant state of alarm.
Psychotic symptoms are a central element in the diagnosis of schizophrenia, although their precise definition has varied through the multiple iterations of DSM and the ICD. Schneiderian first-rank ...
